Pronouns: A How-To
What are Pronouns?
How do I use Pronouns?
When someone shares their pronouns, it is an indication of how they would like to be referred to in the third person. Pronouns in the first person (referring to yourself– e.g., “I”) or second person (referring to the person you’re speaking to– e.g., “you”) do not change. Most people think of pronouns as they fall within the gender binary– with men using he/him/his and women using she/her/hers. However, gender neutral pronouns such as they, ze, xe, and others exist and are often used by non-binary people who do not associate themselves with genders of man or woman. At the same time, people of many identities may use gender neutral pronouns, not just non-binary people. People who are non-binary might also associate with a particular gender. For example, a person may be non-binary and trans masculine.
Gender neutral pronouns are also useful if someone doesn’t know the gender of the person they are speaking about (“The pizza delivery person is at the door, give them a good tip!”).
Want to practice using pronouns? Visit https://www.minus18.org.au/pronouns-app/.
It’s important to note that we should never assume someone’s pronouns. While the majority of people may use ‘she/her’ or ‘he/him,’ we cannot always tell by looking at someone. Pronouns commonly have a gendered association, however, anyone of any gender can use any pronouns that fit for them. Everyone has pronouns, not just transgender, nonbinary, or intersex people. Keep in mind that some people may use more than one set of pronouns to refer to themselves (e.g., ‘she/her’ and ‘they/them’). In these instances, that person may be comfortable with you using either set when referring to them or may want you to use a mix of all of the pronouns they’ve indicated.
What if I don’t know what pronouns someone uses?
If you don’t know what pronouns someone uses, you can do one of three things:
- Use “They”: Use singular “they/them/theirs” for this person until you have the opportunity to ask about their pronouns.
- Ask: It’s perfectly acceptable to ask someone what pronouns they use. See the next section for tips and methods!
- Use Their Name: Use their name until you learn their pronouns.
- Be aware that it can be challenging to do this without practice. Even though we think that we will only use someone’s name instead of pronouns in an attempt to not misgender them, we often use pronouns without realizing it, so it is easy to make a mistake. If someone has told you their pronouns, and you use their name or they instead of the pronouns that they told you, this is still misgendering.
How do I ask what pronouns to use?
Our clients often ask, “How do I know what pronoun to use?” The easiest way is to ask. Sometimes people get nervous about asking for pronouns because they aren’t sure how to.
The easiest way to lean into asking someone about their pronouns is to share your own:
“Hello, my name is Charlie, and I go by ‘he, him, his’ pronouns.”
By opening the conversation with your pronouns, you are signaling to the other person that you are familiar with the concept of pronouns and may be safe to talk to, particularly if you’re speaking to a member of the LGBTQ+ community. Additionally, you are increasing the normalcy of sharing of pronouns in public spaces and interactions. You’re creating an opening to ask for their pronouns. Using our example above, you could say:
“Hello, my name is Charlie and I go by ‘he, him, his’ pronouns. What pronouns do you use?”
or
“How would you like me to refer to you?”
Both of these models create the opportunity for someone to reciprocate by sharing their pronouns in their introduction. It can be a bit awkward the first few times you do this, but practice makes proficient! Further, you may get some folks who are confused when you introduce yourself with pronouns. It can be helpful to have a planned elevator pitch that you can share about why you’re sharing your pronouns.
Please see the following video for more information and insights on how to share pronouns.
What if I make a mistake?
Mistakes happen! Everyone makes them. It’s what we do when we make a mistake that is most important. Here are some strategies for what to do when you’ve made a mistake or witnessed someone make a mistake with someone’s pronouns.
When you make a mistake:
If you use the wrong pronouns for someone in a conversation and you immediately recognize it, correct yourself, apologize, and move on in the conversation. It’s important here not to make the situation about yourself, your intention, or make excuses about the mistake. The best way to demonstrate that you care about this individual and are supportive of them is to correct the error and move forward.
Example: “Oh she’s a great friend. I’m sorry, I meant they are a great friend. They always send me funny videos to cheer me up.”
Avoid dragging out the apology and making the other person comfort you for your mistake. We all make mistakes, and even if you feel terrible about it, it isn’t about you.
When others make a mistake:
If someone isn’t present when their pronouns are misused, it is our job to hold others accountable to using the correct pronouns. When in a conversation with someone else who makes a mistake, there are a couple of ways to navigate the conversation. Before correcting the individual who made the mistake, consider whether the person who has been misgendered has shared their pronouns in all areas of their life. Some people may only use certain pronouns in various aspects of their lives (e.g., using ‘they/them’ at work but ‘he/him’ at home). Some people make this choice for their own personal safety or because they simply don’t feel comfortable being “out” in certain contexts. If you are not sure if the person in question has shared their pronouns with the person you are speaking to, ask them first before trying the following correction strategies.
One strategy is to just respond to the individual who has made the mistake using the correct pronouns.
Example: Someone says, “Oh she’s a great friend.” Your response can be, “You’re right, they are a great friend.”
In this instance, you’re just repeating what was said with the correct pronoun. In many cases, if that person is aware of the pronouns, they will correct themselves as well.
If the person who made the mistake is not aware and the individual who has been misgendered has shared their pronouns in all areas of their life, then best practice here is to gently correct the person who made the mistake.
Example: Someone says, “Oh she’s a great friend.” Your response can be, “You’re right, they are a great friend. Also, just so you know, Sam uses ‘they/them/theirs’ pronouns.”
Being gentle in the response is appropriate in these instances since we are operating under the assumption that this person did not know about the pronouns before the conversation.
Misgendering and Deadnaming
Misgendering is when someone uses the wrong pronoun for another person. When someone uses the wrong pronoun for someone else, it is a hurtful experience, whether it is intentional or unintentional. It is hurtful because it communicates that the person’s gender and experiences are not valid or respected. When someone is misgendered over and over, it can cause significant emotional pain.
Similarly, deadnaming is when the wrong name (usually an old name) is used for someone. This is often seen for individuals using the birth name of a transgender or non-binary person. When this is done intentionally, it communicates that the person’s gender and experiences are not valid or respected.
Best Practices for Pronouns
- Share your pronouns as a part of your introductions.
- Share pronouns at the beginning of every meeting, even with folks whom you have been regularly meeting or know. Pronouns can and do change for people, sometimes regularly if they are genderfluid. Including pronouns as a regular practice for introductions provides space for people to share and be aware of how to refer to people who are new to the environment.
- Avoid using the word “preferred” in front of pronouns because it insinuates that the pronouns are optional. Instead, just say, “my pronouns are” or “their pronouns are”.
- Add your pronouns to your business cards and email addresses.
Gender Inclusive Language
Instead of “Yes, ma’am” or “Good morning, sir,” you could say:
- Good morning.
- Yes, please.
- Thank you!
When referring to specific people, you do not want to assume their gender. You could say:
- The person wearing black
- The person with their hand raised
- The individual who just spoke
- The person standing over here (gestures)
Instead of “ladies and gentlemen” or “boys and girls,” or other similar gendered-language, you could say:
- Everyone
- Colleagues
- Friends
- Folks
- Students
- Children
Instead of “he or she” or “s/he” when talking or writing about a person whose gender is not known, you could say:
- They
- That person
- The client
- The guest
Rather than saying “men and women” you could say:
- Everyone
- People of all genders
- All people
- Women, men, and nonbinary people
When addressing somene via email or a letter and you do not know if they go by Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Mx. (a gender neutral title pronounced ‘Mix’), you could say:
- Dear M. Smith (leave off the other letters of the title and simply use, “M.”)
Suggestions adapted from MyPronouns.org
Want to learn more about pronouns, LGBTQ identities and other diversity, equity, and inclusion topics? Contact our team for a free consultation at programs@diversitycenterneo.org or by submitting our online contact form. We work with schools, non-profit organizations, and businesses, and we can’t wait to work with you.
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